HOLLY DAYS

Not many folks, even the more curmudgeonly among us, would argue against kindness on philosophical grounds. They may not be able to manage it or feel we’re not worth the effort, but you never hear anyone expounding the benefits of unkindness. I’ve been surprised at how some memories of moments of regret for unkindness have been so painful and resilient. I’ve forgotten zillions of moments of my life, but I vividly recall various moments of unkindness, even from my childhood.

I also have unusually strong recall of some times when I was embarrassed by the unkindness of my parents. Once, at a Cub Scout picnic at the Big Fireplace, on Boy Scout Trail in Griffith Park (anyone know if that fireplace and little amphitheater are still there on Vista Del Valle, just below the Greek?), my father was expertly whittling a little pig’s head with his pocket knife, Another boy, tho I don’t recall who, scolded my dad for pulling his knife toward himself using his thumb, a very typical whittling technique. He could have just smiled and said “thank you for the advice” then ignored it, but instead he made a snide remark telling the kid to mind his own business. The kid sulked away in shame, a feeling I shared’. I have so few strong memories of my dad anymore, I hate that many some are painful like this. It is the same with my marriage, where I recall the hurtful things I said more than any of other times we shared,

I notice too that we can be so easily wounded by relatively trivial lapses in manners and etiquette. I know that my socially reluctant aspie ways often seem to cause hurt when I fail to reciprocate or avoid greeting rituals. Despite being taught to chant “stick and stones…” by our kindergarten teachers, we social apes are remarkably sensitive to the judgments of our fellows. Even less social apes show a surprising sense of fairness, as demonstrated in the seminal work of Sarah Brosnan and Frans de waal. Our dependence on each other is so crucial to our survival, that we can scarcely afford to alienate our friends and family with unkind or unfair behavior.

The inverse is mostly true as well, that the glow we get when treated kindly can far outweigh the cost of a passing smile or wave. The real bottom line is economics — what a bargain! A tiny little wave of apology, a warm compliment, or other small gift of kindness taps into these deeply ingrained prosocial instincts, giving a huge bang for the buck. So go ahead, be kind and make the world a richer place.